Dissociation!!! Why do I keep Going in My Head and Not Remember Things?

 Hi everyone, Natasha here to talk about something that is not well known or at least not talked about enough…dissociation!

This is something I have a passion for and have been grateful for the opportunity to help many clients struggling with this.  With this blog, I hope to better explain what to look out for to see if you’re dissociating, why this may have been developed, and tips to help manage this.

With dissociation, think of it this way…you check out in your head, so you’re not going to really remember what was said or done.  It can be frustrating because you’ll often hear “I just told you that” or “don’t you remember that” and you start to feel a little crazy.   This is a coping mechanism we use, when we feel that the current situation may be too much or too overwhelming.   This is something we learned to do to cope with stressful events growing up.  

Dissociation can range from daydreaming (mild) which is harmless and super common, to Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) (severe) where you are in your head most of the time.  This can make it hard to function with daily life.  It’s important to note, this is not ADHD (Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) (Adult attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic) where you are easily distracted so you’re not paying attention, and it’s not a brain disorder like Alzheimer’s (Alzheimer's disease - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic) that has to do with progressive memory loss.    To better understand dissociation, below is a list of what to look out for:

1.       Derealization

This is one of the best ways to see if you’re struggling with dissociation.  Everything around you can feel distant, almost fog-like.  It makes it hard to focus, like when you’re driving and it’s very foggy outside that you can’t see well.  Dissociated clients have told me that the other person talking sounds muffled like the teacher in Charlie Brown so it’s hard to understand them.  Situations and people can feel very far away, like someone feeling like they are at the end of a tunnel when they really are right in front of you.  Reality feels distorted.  On the outside, we look disinterested and often can look as if we are looking THROUGH the person versus looking at them.   We call this the “1,000 Yard Stare” where they are not engaged.

  1,000 Yard Stare

2.       Depersonalization

This is the other big one to look out for.  Depersonalization is the feeling of being separated from yourself, your body. It can feel like an out-of-body experience, where “you may feel as if you're seeing your actions, feelings, thoughts and self from a distance, like you're watching a movie.” (Dissociative disorders - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic).  Many of my clients explain that this feels like they’re floating in the air, watching down at themselves being super disconnected.   When interacting with others, you almost go on auto-pilot and somehow, amazingly still keep up with finishing tasks even if you may not remember later.

The feeling of being separated from yourself 

3.       Memory Loss

Has anyone ever told you “I already told you that” or “don’t you remember we did that a couple years ago?”  It feels kind of familiar, but for the most part you do not remember it.  This is because if you were dissociated during this time, you’re not creating memories but in fight or flight.  Even if there was no danger, even if it was something positive, for some reason your brain went into survival mode, and you were not there mentally.    This becomes a constant problem for my client’s partners that get frustrated with them for never ‘paying attention.’    

4.       Loss of time

Ever get to a place and have no idea how you got there?!   Dissociation!! We all kind of check out when driving on the same route home, BUT this can be unhealthy if this happens all the time and you “feel like moments pass without being fully aware of it.” (What Does Dissociation Feel Like?).    So much time can pass, and it feels like it was just a couple of seconds.

5.       “Coming To”

This is where you are struggling not knowing how you got somewhere or struggling with not knowing what you were just doing.  Being with a group of people and realizing that you were completely checked out and now have no idea what they have all been talking about.  What do you do…. do you laugh with them for whatever they said or tell them you weren’t listening?    To them, you seem disinterested but really you are confused because you were in your head.  It can be super disorienting.

6.       Emotional Numbness

This emotional numbness is feeling nothing, especially when facing what should be stressful or scary situations.    You have been trained since you were young, to go numb with tough times.   It’s an automatic response that you don’t even have to think about it, it’s that natural to you.  This can make you great at adrenaline-chasing jobs, but not in everyday life.  If someone compliments you that you stay so cool and calm during stressful situations, you may be dissociating. 

Why do we Dissociate??????

When our brain detects danger, our brain goes into fight or flight quickly.   It will either say ‘run for your life and get away, or fight back.’  Imagine getting chased by a dog or hearing a bear nearby….immediately you will go into one of these modes.  BUT, when our brain determines we are too weak to fight and we cannot get away for flight, WE FREEZE!  This is what happens with dissociation. 

The more you dissociate, the younger you were when you had to face stressful factors (see list below).  Little children when faced with scary, dangerous obstacles, escape in their head.  They cannot escape, leave, go for a drive, physically defend themselves, cannot speak up, so……. the child freezes AKA dissociates.  They go in their head, so they don’t feel the pain or stress.  It’s the only way they could protect themselves.  This helps them not hurt as much and be able to move on with life as if nothing is happening.  It was probably the only way they would survive what they went through.   My clients with DID, often have severe trauma before they were 7-years-old.

Soooooo what stressful factors can cause a child to dissociate?!    Look at this list below, and put yourself in the child’s shoes to really see how scary these things may be from a child’s perspective.  

Stressful factors in childhood:

-Sexual abuse

-Physical abuse

-Poverty (not having stable home or food to eat)

-Instability (moving a lot)

-Living in a neighborhood with high crime (constant fear of danger).

-Parent with untreated mental health problems (i.e. Having an immigrant parent that was so sad to leave their home country, they would cry for hours holding you as a baby).

-Having a parent that would fall apart easily, and you would have to take care of them (the child being the protector versus the adult).

-Being separated from your parents for a significant period of time due to illness, jail, etc (feelings of abandonment).

-Having a parent that would scream and throw things, even if they never physically hurt anyone (don’t feel safe).

-Constant fear of losing your home due to parent’s gambling problems (no stability).  

-Parents constantly arguing, breaking up and getting back together (for example, a parent leaving the house when fighting and the child thinking the parent is gone forever).

-Anything where the child feels someone could be seriously hurt or killed, or any type of danger.   

WHAT USED TO WORK GREAT IN CHILDHOOD, IS NOT WORKING GREAT NOW

The PROBLEM here, though, is that what used to work great as a child (dissociate to not feel) can really hurt us now if we no longer are in danger.   An example of this would be your critical mom calling you complaining about everything you’re doing wrong.  As a five-year-old if this were happening, you would be quiet, go in your head, and just take it.  As an adult, you can say “mom, if you keep ____, then I’m going to get off the phone.”  And guess what?!  You CAN get off the phone, you can walk away, you don’t have to answer her calls. 

Another example is if your supportive partner tells you something you did that upset them.  If your go-to is to still go in your head, you will check out, look disinterested, won’t remember what they said, and this will hurt your relationship.  NOW as an adult, you can face your partner, listen, say you’re sorry, work it out, and move on.  You handled it!

Tips 

-            Adjust in your seat if you realize you’re dissociated.  

-            Take a five-minute break, even if it’s just to grab water or stretch.

-            Tell the other person “I’m so sorry. I checked out, can you please repeat that.”

-            DON’T look anywhere else but the person, especially your phone.

-            If it’s a hard conversation, if possible, hold a pet, warm blanket, hot cup of tea. 

-            Remind yourself you’re an adult and you can speak up, walk away if needed, etc.

-            Consider finding more support, whether it’s therapy, spiritual support, loved ones, etc.

-            Find a therapist that specializes in trauma and/or dissociation that may have tools, like the MID (Multi-dimensional Inventory for Dissociation) that helps identify the level of dissociation and can help guide treatment. I personally found it so helpful when working with my clients.    On this website, you can find information and on the MID and therapists that may use this tool: The Multidimensional Inventory of Dissociation - EMDR International Association.

If after reading this and doing your own research, you realize that you dissociate a lot, it may be helpful to reach out to a therapist for more support.   If you’re unsure yet if you need help or not, my best advice for you is that if realize dissociating IS affecting your daily life and causing a lot of problems, then get help!

Please share this blog with anyone you think may benefit from this.  This is something that happens so often, but we are unaware of it.  The more we can help one another, the more we can grow together in this thing we call life. 

Until next time,