“EMDR and How It Changed My Life”- A Client’s Story & Experience of how this Treatment Impacted Her Life

When my therapist asked if I was open to writing about my experience with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing), at first, I was like ‘nope! I’m not a writer!’  But later I realized that if people could relate to my story, and that maybe I could help someone that felt so lost…. Then why not!

For some reference, I am a Latina and I come from a huge family.  I was born in America, with parents that immigrated here.   I must preface this blog by noting that I had amazing parents. A mother who was emotionally intelligent and available, and a father who, although struggled with showing emotions (popular in Latin culture!), was always an amazing provider and someone we all knew we could depend on. It is important to note this because I believe there is a misconception out there where if you come from a stable, loving home, you should not have any struggles! Well, that is far from the truth.

I’ve always been fascinated with psychology; I’ve done therapy on and off since my mid-twenties and it has always helped be sort of a “band-aid” or “medication” in a way. It taught me how to deal with symptoms I was experiencing, which at the time were helpful, but somehow not enough. It wasn’t until EMDR that I learned you can get to the root of the problem. That in itself would help lessen or even eliminate some of the symptoms, instead of just treating them.

Of course, this is not a magical cure (although it can sometimes feel that way!), and it doesn’t make all of life’s problems go away. I still struggle with minor OCD, anxiety, etc, and I still get triggered from time to time. However, understanding the REASON why I’m triggered, allows me to handle situations in a way I never thought I’d be able to. Where in the past the simple act of walking into a crowded room would set me completely off - heart racing, palms sweating, shaking - I now feel (for the most part) calm, confident and at peace.

With EMDR, once I started seeing the connections, it became addicting. Everything just started making sense and it started improving my daily life. At first, in ways I didn’t even notice. Later, in ways that became so obvious. I would be randomly doing something and all of a sudden something new clicked! THAT’S why I’ve been doing that! The biggest eye opener was when people closest to me started noticing the changes.

With EMDR, the way it worked is that we would start with current struggles and then work our way back to my past to make the connections. My main list of “maladaptive thoughts”, as they refer to them in EMDR were: 

1. “I am not good enough”

2. “I cannot defend myself”

3. “I am failing” 

4. “I am not in control”

My main struggles were not being able to go anywhere that was new to me on my own. Something as simple as entering the car wash where you drop your car off and wait inside had my anxiety completely skyrocketing. After I did it once with someone, then I was able to do it alone, and although the anxiety was still there, it lessened. Not knowing what to expect was a big trigger of mine as I always needed to be in control. If something unexpected happened, I did not believe that I could handle it or defend myself.

Meeting a group of friends at a restaurant, I am always the first one there, (again with the control issues), yet I could never go in by myself.  The idea of asking for a table and sitting alone was terrifying.  I always had to wait for someone to arrive so we could enter together.  Again, so simple but was unbearable for me at the time.

I STRONGLY struggled with not wanting to be noticed, yet deep down just wanting to be seen. As a kid, my siblings required a lot of attention for different reasons. I learned that at a very early age, I felt the need to let everyone know I was ok, and they didn’t need to worry about me. I disappeared into the background and became the “easy” child because my family had so much on their plates already. I NEVER ask for help. This led me to be hyper independent, therefore needing even less attention. I actually grew up hating ANYTHING that put me in the spotlight.   I also felt that I could not fail. My parents already had a lot to deal with, and I had to be the “Perfect” child, leading to maladaptive thoughts of failure. I am extremely indecisive because I am afraid I will make the wrong choice and fail, which made life extremely challenging.

I remember one birthday recently; my friends organized a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant downtown. We parked across the street and had to walk a bit to get to the restaurant during peak traffic and broad daylight. Although I had one friend on each side of me, I struggled crossing that street. I had to go back to the car and get my sunglasses to use as a “shield”. I knew that although this was MY normal, it wasn’t normal AT ALL. I lived my whole life this way without ever realizing how much it was holding me back. It just was what it was. 

A family member of mine had just started EMDR and suggested it to me. Little did I know how life changing it would be…

Suddenly I was able to run a 5k alone and just meet up with my group at the end. Suddenly, I found myself sitting alone at a coffee shop and working for hours. I used to sit in the car while my son had practice for two hours because I just didn’t want to be seen and alone. Suddenly, I was taking advantage of those 2 hours and walking on my own (and BTW - WALKING is AMAZING for clearing your mind! That quickly became addicting too!).

Suddenly - I was OK. 

Removing those maladaptive thoughts and replacing them with positive ones through EMDR has been the most liberating experience I have ever had. I AM able to defend myself, I AM enough, I do not always have to be in “Fight or Flight”. If I fail, it is not the end of the world. Once I realized that my maladaptive thoughts came from places of trauma (big or small) I was able to allow those positive thoughts to enter my brain and it was like I was a whole new me.

It didn’t change who I was, it just allowed the REAL ME to come to the surface.

After EMDR, I am now comfortable just being myself. I thrive in it. I know I am able to stand on my own and while the fear of failure still lingers and I am still working on it, as well as some other maladaptive thoughts, they are much more manageable, and I now have the tools I need to deal with them whenever I feel triggered. I’m also hyperaware of things I never noticed before. You also realize that everybody else is possibly going through the same things and it helps you have a better understanding of the people around you. I have learned to set boundaries, not trying to change people, but accepting who they are, and placing them where they fit in your life. I am able to stand up for myself without fear. I won’t lie, I still need a bit of control, but the change has been massive since starting EMDR. It has truly made me feel LIBERATED and at peace.

If I could offer one piece of advice, it is to not hold anything back. Once you start the EMDR reprocessing, it can feel a little weird and things cross your mind that you may not feel are important, but it is VITAL that you say EVERYTHING that crosses your mind. It is mind-blowing where those things can lead you.  

I hope this blog can help those that are struggling for answers and possibly find a tool (EMDR) that can change their lives like it did mine.   Good luck!!

 

M.A.

30-year-old Latina

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