Hi everyone, Natasha here again to talk about understanding family roles!!
Encanto is a really entertaining Disney movie, that I think does a great job of highlighting family dynamics. This blog is focused on understanding what roles you and your family have, and how it affects one another. We often repeat this with the future generation, so let’s try to repeat only healthy patterns. At the end of each description, I’ll have a ‘quick tip’ to help support loved ones that may be struggling with their role.
“The Scapegoat”- Mirabel
This is the family member that gets blamed for everything, breaks the rules, and is more defiant. I say ‘defiant’ loosely, because often it’s the one that speaks up, even if done respectfully, they get in trouble. On the inside, they feel a tremendous amount of rejection, hurt, jealousy, and anger. In the movie, all Mirabel wanted was to be seen and make her family proud of her.
An example of how we can see that Mirabel is the scapegoat, is when her sister (Luisa) starts losing her strength, the grandmother immediately turned to Mirabel and said, ‘what did you do?!” even though she had nothing to do with it. Another comment grandmother says later is “whatever you’re doing, stop doing it,” blaming her for whatever was going wrong at that moment.
Quick tip: Don’t label a child “bad,” but their behavior ‘bad,’ when they make a mistake. Because…. If a child feels like they are broken, they will act broken. So, instead say “You’re really smart, math is just not your strength, so you need to study harder for that class” versus “what’s wrong with you? Why don’t you get it?”
“The Chief Enabler”- Abuela Alma
Abuela is a great example of a chief enabler in a family. Here you see Abuela as the matriarch and in charge, with no one defying anything she says or does. She’s in control, the protector of the family! But let’s understand her role a little better.
On the outside, the chief enabler is self-righteous, has a controlled manner, super responsible, and the martyr. On the inside, though, they have a lot of guilt, a tremendous amount of pressure for feeling responsible for everyone, low self-esteem, and hurt. When there is a large family, you will often see the oldest child (usually the oldest girl) as the enabler to help raise and control the younger ones. This role may be needed for a while, but often the enabler never learns to not be in this role. You don’t see it in this movie, but a lot of chief enablers tend to have a lot of physical health problems from all this pain they hold inside.
I see this a lot with immigrant families, after the traumas they have gone through. In the movie, you see how Abuela witnessed the murder of her husband and was left with baby triplets to take care of. As a way to protect oneself after something like this, they push away feelings and become the enabler. Unfortunately, the enabler can appear cold and distant, and often critical with others doing things differently. At one point, Mirabel tells Abuela “no matter how hard we try, no one is good enough for you.”
Quick tip: Lovingly set boundaries with the chief enabler, so they can understand that each person has their own identity and is separate from them. This is easier said than done, though. Therapy can help work on this communication.
“The Golden Child”- Isabela
Isabela is a beloved character by all, ‘perfect’ in every way. BUT we have to look closer to see if Isabela is really that happy!
On the outside, the golden child might appear to have it all together and have a great life. On the inside, though, they tend to have a lot of insecurities, a poor sense of who they are, and live a life focused on pleasing others and not knowing what they want. This family role often has to grow up faster and has a huge fear of failure. They usually mold into what their parents expect from them. I have seen clients in this role that even graduate from college and go into a career their parents wanted for them, just to be miserable and become depressed.
In the movie, Isabel made this comment “I’ve been stuck being perfect my whole entire life,” showing the pressure that has been put on her. She even almost married someone she did not want to, just to make her family happy. In one scene with Mirabel, Isabel has a breakthrough and starts to find her own voice and create flowers that are different, and she finds a huge sense of relief doing things her way.
[Side note: if you have two kids and one is the golden child, your other one is most likely the scapegoat]
Quick tip: Awareness is key!! If you realize that you may have been putting pressure on your golden child, have conversations with them about what they want and interests to help them figure out who they are. For example, encourage them to apply to the college you went to AND other ones, to see what best fits their needs (not yours).
“The Family Hero”- Luisa
Luisa is another beloved character in the movie that takes care of business! In one scene, she is marching through town, and as she passes the townspeople, they are all shouting out things to be fixed and she obediently agrees to fix it all!! Let’s look to see how Luisa really is feeling about everything.
On the surface, the hero follows the rules, they seek approval, are responsible, are compliant, and doesn’t say ‘no.’ You can usually identify who the family hero is, by the one that most people go to when they are going through issues. You may think, ‘what’s so wrong with helping others, Natasha?!” NOTHING…. as long as it’s done with limits. Let me explain!
On the inside, they often feel inadequate and have a tremendous amount of guilt when they say ‘no,’ which is why they often end up with mental and physical health problems. You’ll hear Luisa say things like “I’m pretty sure I’m worthless if I’m not of service” and “who am I if I can’t carry it all!?” There’s a beautiful thing about being so giving and helping, but not at the expense of your health. At one point she keeps saying “I’m totally fine” as her eye is twitching, which is usually a sign of high stress.
Quick tip: To help your family hero loved one, when asking them for something, say things like “look at your schedule FIRST and then let me know if you can,” or “is this a good time to talk about _____?” What you’re doing is helping the family hero slow down enough and you’re encouraging them to say ‘no’ or ‘not today’ to help them think before they commit.
“The Mascot”- Camilo
Camilo has a small role in the movie, but he definitely is the comedic one of the group. I think he is the one that best represents the ‘mascot’ of the family. On the outside, this person is the silly, immature, and the hyperactive one. Think of him as the entertainer and often the center of attention.
On the inside, though, they are often hiding fears, anxiety, and insecurities. In conversations with a mascot, you’ll often see them make a joke or find a way to distract you to get off topic when discussing something difficult. I worry about this type of client the most, because they hide their struggles so their needs will not be met. When I think of mascots, I think of actors like Robin Williams and Matthew Perry, that both struggled with their mental health.
Quick tip: Lovingly and calmly help mascots express themselves. Call them out nicely, when they are avoiding hard conversations and remind them that you’re there to listen and talk things out. The mascots, I especially, encourage therapy to help them work on expressing themselves.
The Lost Child- Bruno
Bruno here helps highlight the lost child. This is the one that the family often judges, looks down on, and criticizes. This is the one that is pushed aside and judged, because of a number of things. Their religious beliefs, sexual orientation, mental health, way of living, etc. They don’t fit the ‘mold’ of the family.
On the outside, you see that the lost child attaches more to things, versus people. They are extremely shy and tend to live a more solitary life and can often live in a fantasy world. Well, this makes sense because in all of this, it’s safer and there’s less risk of getting hurt. You see Bruno living alone, and his companions are a group of mice. On the inside, the lost child feels a lot of hurt, rejection, and anxiety. Bruno feels and IS completely rejected by his family.
Quick tip: Love unconditionally! When we start to judge others for being different than us or living differently than us, we are the ones missing out on being part of a beautiful person’s life! Bruno is a fun, silly character that has a lot to contribute to the family.
As you read this blog, maybe you were able to identify with one (or two) of these roles. Maybe you see some in your family members. The point of this is to help understand how these roles play out, and especially to know what’s really going inside of each one.
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