Feelings are Our Friend! How Anger, Guilt, Worry, and Sadness are Healthy Parts of Our Lives.

Hi everyone, Natasha here to talk about our internal compass that helps us navigate through life, which we call feelings! 

As a culture, I found we have lost our ability to use our feelings in a healthy way.  We are so focused on trying to make ourselves happy all the time, and never let our children be upset that as a society, we are lost.  

This blog is focused on us being reminded of why our feelings are good, and why they are a gift!!  It will also explain the toxic versions of these, that we often confuse with the healthy ones.

 

ANGER VERSUS RAGE

Anger (healthy):

Anger tells us something is not right!!  Anger moves us to do something!

Anger is great, anger is healthy, anger is a good thing!!  Often, I hear people say “I have anger problems,” and I say “me too! We all do!”  Clients often have a hard time wrapping their mind around this, but really, it’s simple.

Think of a time that you saw some type of injustice.  Maybe kids bullying other kids, your boss giving promotions to their favorites versus ones that have earned it, your partner getting home late from work and not giving you a heads up.  These are all things that a person has a right to be upset with it.   We can say something, we can set boundaries, we can be stern…. as long as we have some self-control!!  

For example, if you find out your child cheated on a test, think through what you do first.  Stop, call a friend, go for a walk, and think before you respond but you have a right to be upset about this.  Have a calm talk with your child about the choices they made, help them understand how this was wrong, have them write a letter of apology, have a consequence.  Being angry that they cheated moved you to take action!

Rage (toxic):

When anger becomes unhealthy, it is when it becomes rage because you are out of control.  You yell, insult someone, cuss, throw things, and just create damage with your words or hands. When you think of it, it’s an adult version of a temper tantrum.  When someone is sent to do therapy for ‘anger problems’ it’s really for ‘rage problems.’  If you find out your child lied about their teacher, toxic shame would be yelling, calling them names, and saying hurtful things. Kids feel terrified of you and instead of the child learning, they feel like a failure and will continue to make bad choices. 

Quick tip:

When you get angry, stop and breathe.   REMEMBER almost everything can wait 20 minutes to talk about.  Take a walk, take a shower, eat a meal first.  Stopping will help you think before you do something you regret.   If you do this, you will probably have healthy anger.

GUILT VS SHAME

Guilt (healthy):

Guilt tells us that we did something wrong….so we can apologize, fix it, make amends!

This is another big one, one that makes a big difference to understand.   Guilt is very healthy, and very much needed in this world.  If we listen to that feeling of guilt and make amends, we find peace inside ourselves, have much stronger relationships with others, and overall have higher life satisfaction.  Even though it’s difficult at times to face your mistakes…..when you make excuses and avoiding accountability, it will REALLY hurt you in many ways. 

Shame (toxic):

Toxic shame is where instead of thinking “I messed up (guilt),” it’s more of “I’m a terrible person for what I did.”  Shame is feeling like you are a worthless human being for messing up, knowing that we all make mistakes.  This shame will often result in self-destructive behaviors like addictions, because we feel like a terrible person.  Name-calling is an easy way of catching if it’s shame like “I’m so lazy, you’re so dramatic, you’re so sensitive.”  Shame is really amplified with social media, where we often feel like there is something wrong with us, since we don’t look like that person or have certain things, even if you are great just the way you are.

Quick tip:

Focus on the behavior, don’t label the person or yourself.  For example, to a child that lied about cheating on a test, instead of calling him a liar, selfish, or irresponsible focus on the choices he made.  Explain how the cheating and lies are not okay, and he will have to apologize to the teacher and make amends. 

WORRY VS ANXIETY

Worry (healthy):

Worry means there’s something that needs to be addressed or needs your attention.

Think about times that you had to take a big test, maybe had some health concerns, or maybe your child is really struggling in a subject in school…it would make sense to worry.   Worrying will help you take action whether it’s to schedule a medical test, get your child a tutor, take time to study for the big test.  Having this healthy worry helps us get things done that is necessary. 

Anxiety (toxic):

The extreme, unhealthy version is anxiety.  The best way I can explain anxiety, is that it’s catastrophic thinking (thinking the worst-case scenario).  This will almost paralyze you where you will freak out or freeze, which hurts and does not help the situation.  You freak out thinking that you’re going to fail the test which makes it harder for you to concentrate and perform the day of the test.  You think the worst case when it comes to your health, imagining all the bad things will happen when there’s nothing to freak about (at least not yet).  If you’re thinking “what if,” then you most definitely will become anxious (what if I die, what if he fails his grade, what if no one talks to me).

Quick tip: 

Don’t live too far in the future, think about what’s the next step to help with the situation.  Get your child a tutor, call and schedule the health tests and then focus back on the moment. 

SADNESS VS DEPRESSION

Sadness (healthy):

Sadness shows that our heart is hurting for the loss of someone or something that was special to us

Sadness is to be expected when we lose something of importance to us. We are not robots, so it’s normal to be sad, cry, and have a period of mourning.  If you moved to a completely different state, it’s normal to be sad about the life and people you left behind.  Honor that sadness means things were important to you back home.  If someone close to you passed away, let yourself be sad and mourn their loss. Every tear represents how much they meant to you.

 Depression (toxic):

Depression is sadness in an extreme version. It’s the feeling that there’s no hope which can often result in us shutting down, maybe doing things but feeling empty inside.   It’s losing your job and feeling like you’ll never find anything else and feel useless, which in turn will make you unmotivated.  This will then result in you taking a while to put yourself out there again.  It’s feeling hopeless after your loved one passed away, so now it’s hard to work, hard to get out of the house, hard to function.

Quick tip:

Talking with trusted people will help us work through this sadness and get through it, whether it’s family, friends, a therapist, or a coworker.

Navigating life is hard enough with all the pressures we have nowadays.  I hope this blog helps give some clarity on how feelings are a gift that helps us manage stressors!!

 

Until next time,