“I Love You, I Hate You!!” 3 Ways we Communicate and how it can MAKE or BREAK a Relationship

 

Hi everyone, Natasha here to hopefully give you some tools to help you keep a marriage (or any relationship) strong.

I often tell my clients that no matter how much a couple loves one another, if they do not communicate well and resolve problems in a healthy manner….they will most likely NOT make it. Even if they do stay together, they will most likely be miserable with each other.  To me, this is extremely sad because I have seen the most loving couples turn into enemies with so much hatred towards one another. It’s especially sad when kids become collateral damage. 

When it comes to communication, a basic definition for it is an exchange of information either with words, tone or body language.   This is how we work out problems.  With words, we can easily go from healthy to unhealthy by saying “you’re an idiot” versus saying “I don’t agree with that.”  With tone, we can calmly express ourselves in a normal tone, or we can yell at the other person….it makes a difference! And lastly, but most importantly, is our body language which “speaks” the loudest. It’s our nonverbal cues for the other person, so rolling our eyes at them will get a much different response versus calmly looking at the other person in the eyes while they talk.

Below is a list of the three types of communication we use!!  Pay close attention to which ones you can relate to with words, tone, and body language, and look at the areas that you may need to work on.    

1.       Passive Communication

This first type of communication is often what brings clients in to see me at the office.   Clients show a lot of signs of anxiety or depression, and a big part of it is keeping their frustrations inside and not communicating their needs.   They will suppress their thoughts and feelings, and this is where a lot of problems can occur, not only mentally, but also with their physical health.  

With passive communication, you often see people say things like “I’m fine (when they’re not),” or “I guess that’s okay” instead of saying what they really want. Saying “yes” when they want to say “no.”  With their body language, you can often see passive communication when the person is avoiding eye contact, low tone in their voice, arms crossed, or shrugging their shoulders.   They want to avoid conflict, so will agree even if they don’t, they will not speak up, and do whatever they can to move on, even at the risk of not meeting their own needs. 

This is NOT healthy because this can create a lot of resentment towards others, since they continue to do what you don’t want them to do because they have no idea what’s wrong.  It can also feel like you don’t care, when you are quiet and appear cold.   And lastly, constantly trying not to make the other upset can create an unhealthy dynamic where the other person has all the power or is having to do all the work.  Partners can get exhausted from almost begging the other person to communicate.

2.       Aggressive Communication

This communication is one that often pushes others away, and you can end up alone.  You lose friendships, partners break up with you, problems with the law…. Just alone.  A lot of people with anger management problems unfortunately sabotage relationships and may pretend they don’t care they’re alone, but they do!!   

Being aggressive includes anything that intimidates, scares others, or pushes them to do or not do things.  Even if it’s not intentional, this type of communication is manipulative.   This includes yelling, raising your voice, scowling at someone, rude sarcasm, name calling, cussing, throwing things, stomping, standing over someone, and getting in someone’s face.  If you’re saying a lot of “you” statements (“you did this, you did that”), this is usually a sign that you’re being aggressive because all the blame is being pushed on the other person. Another sign of this, is if you’re saying “always” or “never” to them.     These are ways to get someone to back down or shut up.   This type of losing control is easy to do…even a 3-year-old can yell and stomp their feet.

This is NOT healthy because this disrespect can make others literally back away and step away from the relationship.  It breaks trust and it creates an environment where others are not encouraged to speak up or have a different opinion, so the household can be tense.   Conflicts are not resolved, resentment is built, and this is often why one person in the relationship won’t let things go in the past, because they never feel heard. 

3.       Assertive Communication

Finally, this is the healthy type of communication that strengthens relationships and helps people resolve conflicts and move on.    Being assertive is being able to express your thoughts and opinions in a way that considers the other person’s perspectives and feelings.  A way I like to explain it, is that we FILTER what we say since everything that goes through our brains should not come out of our mouths. 

Signs that we are being assertive is that we are respectful, taking turns talking versus interrupting, healthy eye contact, talking in a calmer tone, being slow to respond, and considering what the other person is saying.  Using “I” statements is usually a sign that you’re being assertive because instead of blaming the other person, you are expressing how something affected you. For example, instead of saying “you never listen to me,” you say “I feel like you’re not listening to me when you….” 

This is healthy because everyone tends to feel heard and understood, even if they don’t agree with the other person.  These conversations usually end in a positive manner, whether it’s agreeing to disagree calmly, hugging, ending it with a kiss, etc.  We feel more connected to the other person, versus feeling like the enemy.    This is the goal in couples therapy, to help the couple learn to understand one another and resolve problems, versus forcing them to think a certain way. 

TIPS FOR ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION

We usually learn to communicate from our families growing up.   If they were yellers, we become yellers. If they were passive and never spoke up, then we will most likely not speak up. No matter what you learned, maybe this is WHY you communicate the way you do, BUT it is NOT an excuse for communicating poorly.   Take time to reflect on what you learned from your family and see how you can improve.  Maybe at the next family get together, look at your family’s words, tone, and body language from an outside perspective to see their ways.  It may be eye-opening!

And remember that no one is perfect, we are human and make mistakes!  Here are some tips to help us connect better and treat our loved ones with more respect!

1.        Do NOT try to communicate when you are hungry, stressed, tired, or have only a short period of time to talk!!   Better to wait!  Eat a snack, talk after dinner, go for a walk and talk (this last one can be very helpful).

2.       Communicate problems privately, not in front of a crowd.  Things will escalate quicker when there’s an audience.

3.       If you both have a tendency to interrupt, grab a banana or highlighter and make it your “talking stick.”  Whoever is holding this is the one that can talk.  Use this visual as an aid, until you can learn to take turns.

4.       Remember the goal is to express your thoughts and opinions, not to make the other person agree with everything you have to say.

5.       Remember the person is your loved one, partner, friend, child, etc.  They are NOT the enemy, so don’t treat them like that.

6.       BREATHEEEEEE before you speak.  When getting annoyed, take one to two deep breaths (this is a lifesaver!)   This helps you think and filter what you say!

Healthy communication is a beautiful thing to witness in others, so if this is a major struggle in your relationship, please seek some support and guidance to help you with this, such as with mentors or therapy. 

We all are on this beautiful journey called life, so let’s support one another during this process to create more peace!!!

Until next time,