The Impact of our Support System on our Mental Health- Tips and Understanding to Help Live a Healthier and More Peaceful Life

Hi everyone, Natasha here to share one of my favorite and most useful tools when it comes to working with my clients.

I am not exaggerating that when I say that my clients are able to understand this concept below and develop healthier support systems, their mental health greatly improves. 

Let’s first talk about what a ‘support system’ is. Basically, these are the people around us the most and that we turn to for support.  It can be family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, church friends, gym friends, and more.  Now, a support system can be healthy or unhealthy, and this is what the blog will focus on. 

It’s also VERY important to know that relationships often change, so who was your best friend back in school is now just a good friend, or who was once just a coworker is now your best friend.  I’ll be using this diagram below, to help explain concepts better.

OUR EMOTIONAL HOUSE

THOSE INSIDE OUR EMOTIONAL HOUSE

Inside the emotional house (where the red heart is), should be the ones that we trust and spend most of our time with.  Think of these as those that know us best and usually know what’s really going on in our life, hardships, and pain.   Please know that JUST because someone is family or your roommate (for example), does not mean they should automatically be in your house.   This spot inside is very special and should be earned.    We talk and see these people on a regular, if not daily basis!

Those inside our house SHOULD:

-            Be consistent (always there for you if you need them. Not there one second, then disappear)

-            Nonjudgmental

-            Nice/Respectful

-            Dependable (if they say they’ll do something, they do it)

-            Available (if you have a friend working three jobs, they may not be very available)

-            Keeps things private that you tell them

-            Gives you advice with your best interest in mind (not tell you what to do)

-            Calls you out when you’re in the wrong

-            Earned our trust

THOSE INSIDE OUR YARD 

This is also a special place!!   It’s in your yard (think of it as the grass area), but not INSIDE the house.  These are our family and friends, coworkers, gym friends, everyone we like to talk to, hang out with, but for whatever reason they are not in our house.   We talk to them about a lot of things, but not everything…especially our secrets.   When we see them, we have a good time, but don’t go into deep conversations….and that’s okay!  You can be yourself with them, but at a bit of a distance. 

Reasons why someone can be in our yard, BUT not inside the house:

-            Friend who is a lot of fun, but they’re so busy you don’t see them much.

-            They’re really nice and you enjoy hanging out with them, but they can’t keep a secret

-            Friend who was your best friend, but now moved to another state so it’s just not how it used to be.

-            Coworker who is super nice, but you’re in different stages in life (one is single, one is married with kids) so don’t connect in deep way

THOSE OUTSIDE OUR FENCE

These are the ones that we call ‘toxic,’ not ‘bad’ people. I do feel like everyone (at least most everyone) is a good person with great traits, but maybe they’re not good for us.  Being around them causes stress, unnecessary pain, and really brings us down.  These are the ones we can learn to love from afar.  

These are ones that I would NOT have them come over for an intimate dinner, but only if you’re inviting a group of people over.  These are ones I would recommend talking to less (maybe once a week versus daily) if it’s causing a lot of stress.  We definitely keep conversations on a more surface level as a way to protect ourselves!

Reasons to Keep Someone Outside the Fence:

-            Judgmental/condescending to you

-            Little tornados (when they are around, they create chaos and problems)

-            Abusive

-            Critical of things you do, where you feel like you can do nothing right

-            Inconsistent (back and forth, one second there for you, then you don’t hear from them for awhile)

-            Uses you (shows up when they want something, is convenient to them)

-            Untrustworthy (they have done things to lose your trust)

What Happens when Parents Send Mixed Messages

Pretty much all my clients share this common denominator, in that when it comes to the emotional house, they got mixed messages that resulted in them not having a healthy/balanced support system.  Often the parents.   It’s usually good parents that meant well, but some things did not go well along the way.

Let’s say we have a very loving dad who would do anything for his children, but if his child does something to upset him, he gets very cold and does not talk to the child.   This is bad, really bad!   He’s pushing his child outside the fence and then later acts like everything is fine (back in the emotional house) and leaves the child confused.  If he does this enough, the child may learn to push people away unnecessarily like he did, and may not let a lot of people in their emotional house as an adult.

Another example is a very loving mom, that has a quick temper and goes from very sweet to very mean and then feels bad for what she did and is super loving.  The child learns to push people away quickly and then bring them inside the house, back and forth. This also teaches the child that this type of back and forth is normal, which they often repeat in future relationships.

These two are a few of the many types of scenarios that will most likely hurt the child’s ability to know where to put people and sabotage relationships.

TIPS to Find Your Balance!!!!

If you tend to kick nice people out a lot:

If we often kick people out impulsively, we end up alone a lot because people don’t know what to expect from you and get tired of it.  When clients often complain that their friends or partners often leave them, I usually suspect this dynamic is happening.   

Here are some steps to help slow down and prevent kicking people out too quickly:

-            Stop and don’t say/do/text anything when you’re upset

-            Breathe and take time to cool off (go for a walk, eat a meal)

-            Consider talking to someone you trust to see if it really was that bad what happened, or it’s something small to let it go

-            If it was bad, respectfully tell that person what they did that hurt you (they can’t read your mind)

-            If they get defensive and mean, that person takes a few steps towards the fence away from you.  If they respond well, they can stay in that spot and see if they do better.

If you tend to put toxic people in your house too soon:

Let’s think of this as baby steps, when letting people inside our house.  It’s an honor to earn a place in someone’s emotional house, so this takes time.   Taking your time helps you see if there’s red flags and reasons to keep them in your yard.  Having toxic people in our emotional house often results in a lot of depression and anxiety, and takes a toll on our mental and physical health because of the toxicity so it’s good to be careful who is in. 

Let’s say you have a new coworker, your age, that seems really nice.  Baby steps would be:

-            Have lunch with them at the office, make small talk (if this goes well….)

-            Go out for lunch with them, outside the office (if this goes well…)

-            Go out for dinner (if this goes well…)

-            Meet each other’s partners (if this goes well…)

-            Go to each other’s house (if this goes well….)

-            Now probably earned spot in house and can share more vulnerable things

*’if this goes well’ basically means that while getting to know them, they seem nice, respectful, dependable, keeps things private that you share, nonjudgemental

If you see yourself struggling with this, therapy can help work on building a healthier support system.  Like I said earlier, when my clients start having trustworthy people in their emotional house, a yard full of good friends and family, and toxic people outside the fence, their mental health significantly improves.

It’s a beautiful thing to find the RIGHT people you can turn to, when going through a hard time!! 

Until next time,