Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder: 9 Signs to Look out For

Hello everyone!! Natasha here to hopefully clarify what is a narcissist and signs to look out for.

It’s VERY important to first clarify that not everyone that is mean to you is gaslighting you or a narcissist.    This term is overly used, but it’s very important to understand.   Please remember that the most important thing to remember here when determining whether someone has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is, if there is a PATTERN of these behaviors noted below.  Everyone can be a little mean or hurtful, but it’s the pattern that we need to watch out for.

While reading this blog, it’s important to know that a narcissist is very emotionally immature, the age of a 2-year-old to be exact.  When you think of a 2-year-old, it’s all about them, very self-centered, and tantrums if they don’t get their way.  These behaviors below very much match a young toddler’s actions.   

Signs of a Narcissist

1.       Holding Court (believing they are ‘special’)

2.       Fixation with success, money

3.       Requires excessive admiration

4.       Gaslighting

5.       Must be their way

6.       No accountability

7.       Love bombing

8.       Entitlement/ Grandiose sense of self-importance

9.       Lack of empathy (envious of others)

1. Holding Court

This may be one of the easiest signs to watch out for, and again…. it’s a PATTERN of these behaviors.   ‘Holding court’ is the term used when kings sit on their throne, and their people would come to them with requests, concerns, etc.  He was held up high and people would go to them.   With NPD, they often feel special and will do this, where they expect everyone to go to them and almost cater to them.  Let’s say the NPD person visits family in a different state, tells everyone where he is and expects everyone to go to them even though it’s not the most convenient for everyone.   OR they expect everyone to always go to their house versus being flexible when others want to host as well.

2. Fixation with success, money

NPD’s are extremely focused on their image and looking successful in every way possible.  They have to have the best of everything, post all great things on social media, need to make the most money, whatever it takes to show they are successful even at the expense of their families.  Partners of NPD are often criticized by them, to look perfect, losing more weight, dying their hair a certain way, anything to show how ‘perfect’ their life is. The image of success is more important than their family’s happiness.

3. Requires excessive admiration (and cannot handle not having the attention)

A narcissist needs to have all the admiration and will get extremely envious if the attention is not on them.  If they do not have this, they will often find a way to make it about them, without considering other people’s feelings.   I remember a client once telling me how their narcissistic mom whispered in her son’s ear while taking his college graduation pictures, that she was going to divorce their dad.  All the attention was on the son, and the mom made it about her in a really self-centered way.   Another example is an NPD telling his sister on her wedding day, that he is going to get a divorce.  This was not right and could have waited but they require excessive admiration.

4. Gaslighting

One of the theories of where this term was created, was from a movie called “Gaslight” in 1944.  The husband manipulates the wife by making her feel crazy using the gaslights of their house.  This term is used too much and used incorrectly often, so let’s explain it more.

In simple terms, gaslighting is when someone tries to make you feel crazy for what you said or did, so you start to question your own reality.  An example would be if your boyfriend is being secretive with his phone, hiding what he is doing and when you ask him why he’s hiding it, he starts calling you controlling, ridiculous, and insecure to make you feel like the unstable one. When really, any other woman would be suspicious with how he is with is phone.

5. MUST be their way

This is where the NPD has almost a temper tantrum if they don’t get things their way.  Again, it’s a pattern of this.  They get very upset and can have unrealistic expectations.  For example, let’s say the whole family wants to do a casual dinner at a Mexican restaurant, but the NPD gets very upset and wants to go to a fancy steakhouse even though he’s the only one who wants it.  If they don’t get their way, they may cause a scene, yell or get aggressive, threaten to leave, etc until things go their way.

6. No accountability

Let’s just point something out real quick. We are ALL human, we all make mistakes and whenever there is a fight, everyone could have done something better.   A narcissist though, will not take accountability unless they are backed into a corner.  They will make excuses, they will turn things around on the person to make them feel they’re wrong, they will do everything they can but not take accountability.   They will say things like “I’m sorry you took it that way” or “it’s really not that big of a deal,” versus actually saying they are sorry.

7. Love Bombing

When first dating someone with NPD traits, love bombing often occurs. Think of it as a way to be super ‘sweet,’ and kind of overboard trying to get you to fall in love with them.  It may seem romantic, but it’s a mask they often use and once you’re ‘hooked,’ their true colors come out.   Examples of love bombing is at the very beginning of a relationship, talking about getting a tattoo with your name on it, offering these amazing trips, excessive communication, super attentive, buying lavish gifts…anything to make you fall for them.   

With dating, this is why it’s important to take the relationship slow.  That way you will often see their true colors within a couple of months in case you’re dating a narcissist.  So don’t get married, move in, etc and take your time! 

8. Entitlement/Grandiose sense of self-importance

A narcissist is probably the most insecure person there is, but they overcompensate for it.   You will often see this entitlement in them, with them feeling deserving of the best of everything, people catering to them, and more.  This might be an NPD that comes home from work and expects the wife to cater to him as well as the children, then gets upset that she doesn’t want to be intimate with him.  This would be to expect partners or parents to spend excessive amounts of money and expenses on them, when it’s not necessary.

9. Lack of Empathy

An NPD is very self-centered, and they lack empathy with others.   You will see this a lot in their actions, where they may say they’re a family man, but their actions show they are only thinking about themselves.   This could look like an NPD husband yelling and screaming at wife for asking him to take the morning off to take their sick child to the doctor, without thinking about the wife’s schedule as well.  Immediately it’s focused on what the narcissist wants, not thinking of the partner.

It may be hard to see a loved one represented in this blog as a narcissist (or someone with narcissistic traits), especially because it’s so normal to us that we don’t realize how unhealthy it is.  “That’s just how mom is” or “that’s how your brother’s always been,” so it’s so normalized in the family.  If you struggle coming to terms with this, going to therapy can be extremely helpful to learn ways to set boundaries with the person.   If you also realize that you have a history dating narcissists, therapy can help you overcome this unhealthy pattern in your dating life.

I hope this blog helps bring clarity if you have been wondering if your loved one is a narcissist.  We all can have our moments or be self-centered, but it’s the pattern of these behaviors that may show that you’re dealing with a narcissist. 

Until next time,